I'll (Eventually) Be Home for Christmas
Prologue It was December the 23rd, Phineas and Ferb sat watching A Christmas Story, when Phineas's phone rang. It was Linda. "Hey, Mom." Said the 16 year old. "Hey, honey, bad news... Your Grandparents flight got cancelled. But they're able to get another one, but ya only heading to Denver... I know it's a long drive, but we have little other choices. So, do you think you can manage?" Phineas grunted, throwing Dorito's in his mouth. "So, what are you doing?" She asked. Phineas swallowed. "Ya know... Just watching TV." "I want that lamp." Ferb mumbled in the background, watching as the Leg Lamp was revealed. "Ok, well, I'll see you, love you two. Stay warm. Wear your sweaters!" Linda said. "Mom!" Phineas grumbled. "Bye..." "Bye sweetie." Phineas hung up the phone, and turned to the swooning Ferb, who looked that the TV with sharp eyes. "Bro." Ferb snapped out of his trance. "W-what?" "Mom and Dad are gonna be gone tonight, so we got the house to ourselves." Ferb grumbled. "Does this mean I have to cook again?" "Yes, but no matter." Phineas shot up and grabbed his coat. "Lets go. It's only three o' clock and we have business to attend to." Ferb mumbled. "Fine..." He lowered his cereal bowl to the ground where Perry was sitting. "Have my cereal, Perry." Perry looked up to Ferb, the aged platypus made a disapproving grunting sound. The door closed and the 16 year olds were gone. Perry slowly stood up and stretched his back, popping it. Thought they'd never leave. He thought to himself eating the cereal with a spoon. ---- "Candace, you wanna... You know, head out?" Cain asked, putting his arm tighter around him. Candace took a drink of bourbon. "Sure. How much have you drank?" She finished the shot. "Because... I'm buzzed." "I only drank two beers, I'm fine." He stood up from the corner table. "Let's go tell Blake and Miranda we're headin' out." Candace coughed, "help me up." Cain pulled her up and they walked over to the obviously drunk couple. "Aw, hey, Johnson!" Blake said, in a drunk tone. "Hey, Shelton." Cain replied, hitting him on the back. "Hey, Miranda." He said looking to Miranda who was finishing a shot of whiskey. "Hey, Cain." Miranda turned to Candace. "Now, there's something interestin'! Candace Flynn, in the flesh!" Candace waved. "Hi, Blake, Miranda." Miranda smiled and put her arms around Candace. "Now, you two have done a good job of keepin' y'all's relationship hidden." She cleared her throat. "Now, tell me..." Miranda looked Candace in her eyes. "Do you want another beer?" Cain and Blake laughed. "Well, we're heading out. Thanks for the party, Blake and Miranda. And good job on the final Salvation Army benefit concert." Cain said, hitting Blake on the back. "Come on, try this." Miranda said, handing Candace a glass with clear liquid. Candace took it and gulped it down. She started to gag. "Agh! What was that?!" "Moonshine!" Blake laughed. "Ok, ok. We'll see you! Merry Christmas!" Cain said, grabbing Candace and pulling her to the door. "Thanks, Man! You too! Y'all have fun!" Blake yelled. "Not too much!" Miranda said, laughing. Candace blinked, and started chuckling. "Huhu." She said. "I think you've passed the buzzed stage..." Cain grumbled. They got to the pickup, and Cain lifted up his drunk 21 year old girlfriend into the pickup. He got in on his side, and stretched. "Thought we'd never get out!" Candace nodded and yawned. Suddenly her phone rang. "Hella?" She asked. "Candace, it's your Mother. What are you up to?" Linda asked. "Oh, hey, Mom. Oh, jus got out of a party with Cain." She burped. "Candace, are you drunk?" Linda asked. "Sure. I guess. Maybe. Yea." Candace giggled. Linda mumbled. "Anyway, wanted to let you know, your brothers are home alone since we have to meet your Grandparents flight somewhere else. You take care of yourself, Candace. You got it?" Linda asked, with some worry. "Yes, Mom. I may be..." She belched, "intoxicated, but Cain is taking good care of me." "Hi, Mrs. Fletcher!" Cain yelled in the background. "Ok... Well, I'll see you two. Bye, sweetie." "Bye-bye Mom." Candace hung up the phone. Candace hung up the phone and looked at Cain. "Well, now what?" Cain looked at his girlfriend. "Well, I say we drive to Oklahoma and stay there, then drive to Danville the next day. It'll be pretty dang late, but I can drive for eleven hours." "Ok... I... I'm gonna... Take... A nap..." Candace said nodding off. "I'm gonna change first..." Candace started to change. "I- uh- uh- um- Candace, i-if you're gonna change, get in the back... Don't want anyone seeing your... Yea..." Cain stuttered. "Oh, alright!" Candace said, fumbling over the front seat. Chapter One: Of Cars and Coffee "But really, who ever thought it was suppose to be red? It's suppose to be white! I mean, it's only one small part of the romance of Christmas, but a huge symbol is being poorly represented!" Ferb ranted. Phineas nodded, "totally agree, Bro." They walked down the snowy sidewalk to Isabella's house, it was getting dark, and the moonlight and Christmas light ice skating would start soon. "W-why didn't we drive?" Ferb shivered, gritting his teeth from the cold. "I thought... Isabella would let us borrow her car..." Phineas admitted. They got to Isabella's house and knocked on the door, Isabella's mother answered. "Oh, hi boys!" Mrs.Shapiro said, partying their heads. "Isabella is in her room, go on up." "You... Sure?" Ferb asked, surprised. She nodded. "Go on." They walked up the stairs and made their way to Isabella's room. She was in her room, talking on the phone. "Girl, don't think I don't want some of that!" She noticed Phineas and Ferb at her door. "Oh, hey, Ginger, I gotta go." She hung up the phone and threw it across the bed. "What are you guys up to?" "Well, we wanted to ask you if you wanted to come with us to ice skate." "Sure, sounds fun." Isabella replied. Isabella got ready and walked down stairs. Her father was sitting at the table, drinking coffee. "Good evening, baby girl." She hugged him. "Hey Dad, what's up?" She said, taking his coffee cup and taking a drink. He raised his eye brow. "Since when did you drink that?" "Dad, I've been drinking it for a year. High School is tough, I need a pick-me-up." Isabella said, getting her own mug of coffee. "Besides, it adds to the look of future lawyer." Her father rolled his eyes. "Following in my steps, eh?" He chuckled. "Yes, Dad." She hugged him and went out to the living room to meet Phineas and Ferb. "Ok, boys, lets go." She took a drink of coffee. "By... The way... Can we take your car?" Phineas asked. "We... Walked over here... We thought we'd... Yea." Isabella rolled her eyes. "Uh-hu. Ok, then." She pulled her keys off the table. They walked to the garage and there it was... A 2013 Camaro. "Ohhh...." Ferb groaned, running over to the car. "I will never understand how you... Got this beauty." "I told you, my Dad got this over a year ago, and this year he decided to upgrade, so instead of selling it he gave it to me for my 16th birthday." She sat in the drivers seat. "And it's automatic." She said. "I never heard you talk about Cars." Phineas said getting in the passenger side. "Dad ranted about it for a hour, so I may have listened a bit." She said. She looked at Ferb who had managed to pop the hood open. "I need this car." "Hey, Ferb, if you haven't noticed, we're kinda the smartest kids ever. So why don't you build one?" Phineas asked. Ferb wrinkled his nose. "Dude, we can build insane things, but I want this car. I want it bad." "Ok, ok. Ferb, get in the car." Isabella said, and they drove off. Ferb gave a speech about the car most of the way. Chapter Two: The Overly Complicated Romantic Music Number "Phineas, this is actually pretty fun." Isabella said grabbing his hand. "I haven't skated in years." She struggled to keep herself up. "I got ya." Phineas said with a grin. Isabella blushed. "Eeaahhnngg." She chuckled. Ferb skated past them. "Get a room, Izzy." He laughed going by. She glared. "Shut up, Ferb!" "What does he mean by that?" Phineas asked. Isabella moaned. "Don't ask..." She looked back up at him. "It's pretty, hu?" Phineas looked at the lighted park. "Yea." Every tree in the park was covered in lights. Light up snowman, reindeer, and trees were everywhere. There was a nativity and menorah, facing opposite to each other. "So, do you still celebrate Hanukkah?" Phineas asked. Isabella shrugged. "Yea. But I'm... Kinda in between with the whole... Thing." She mumbled. "Yea, half your family being Catholic, the other Jewish." Phineas replied. He stood there quietly. "I don't know what to think yet... But I can't seem to see how there's not someone out there... Or something... I'm a man of science, but..." Isabella cut him off. "No, I get it." She stretched. "Ok, lets try this again." She stood up on the blades and started walking, Phineas right besides her. She got to the ice and stood there, trying to get her balance. Phineas jerked her off onto the ice and laughed. "Phineas!" Isabella hissed. "I wasn't ready!" Phineas laughed, and started to burst into song. "Frosted window panes... Candles gleaming inside Painted candy canes on the tree" Isabella looked confused. Then it popped into her head, it was time for the appropriate placed musical number. "I missed doing these things. Uh... Give me a sec." "Santa's on his way He's filled his sleigh with things Things for you and for me." Phineas smiled. "It's that time of year When the world falls in love Every song you hear seems to say-" Isabella picked up where he left off. "Merry Christmas May your New Year's dreams come true! " As she sang Phineas did the background vocal. "(May all your dreams come true)" They both sang- "And this song of mine in three quarter time Wishes you and yours the same thing too!" Isabella started a solo... Again... "It's that time of year When the world falls in love Every song you hear seems to say-" Phineas replied- "Merry Christmas" They started singing together, Phineas finally doing the main vocal- "Frosted window panes (See them gleaming) Candles gleaming inside (With the snow) Painted candy canes (See them showing) Then Isabella started hogging the main vocal again... "Just look and you'll see, santa's on his way (That's why sleigh bells are ringing) He's filled his sleigh (And that's why were all singing) With Things Things for you and for me Phineas then stole the main vocal again- "It's that time of year (Time for falling) '' ''When the world falls in love '' ''(So in love) '' ''Every song you hear seems to say '' ''(Happy song)" Then they did the switching of vocals which this third person lost count of who did it... "Merry Christmas (May all) May your New Year's dreams come true" (May may all come true) And this song of mine in three quarter time Wishes you and yours the same thing too (You and yours)" The song finally ended and Ferb came skating up. "Yea, really miss those random musical numbers." He stretched. "So, we done with this chapter or what?" "I think so." Phineas replied. Chapter Three: Intruder The wind had picked up, and a snow storm was on the way, heading south. Cain had finally got home around four in the morning. Candace was passed out, and fully recovered from her drunken state and had a small hangover that she was sleeping it off. Cain got out and opened the door to his house and came back and turned the pickup off, and then went to the passenger side where Candace was snoring. He decided she wouldn't wake up so he just carried her inside and put her on the couch with a blanket. "G' night, Candy." He mumbled, going up the stairs and into his bedroom, and passing out on the bed. He woke up to feel something cold next to him, and it wasn't the blanket. He didn't want to open his eyes, out of fear of him seeing something his schizophrenia made up. But he opened his eyes and seen Candace laying under the blankets with him, she pulled herself closer. "Candace..." He mumbled. "I don't think..." "Relax... She said leaning on his chest. "It's too cold to do anything anyway..." She shivered. "Is... Is... It snowing?" He asked, trying to get comfortable. "It's a blizzard." She mumbled, getting closer. He flinched at her touch. "H-how cold is it?" "Under twenty..." She pulled herself closer, and put her right arm around him and used her left arm to play with his chin hair. "I guess... You can... Stay here then..." He put his arm around her. She looked up at him, and he flinched away. "No, Cain it's ok. I trust you." She said smiling. He grumbled and put his arms around her and pulled her to his chest. "Uh.. You're beautiful... Ya know.." He stuttered. "You're hot." Candace replied after a moment of silence. Cain smiled. "I think you are really wonderful, you're smart, and you are really funny." "Yea..." Candace grumbled. She didn't like where this conversation was going. They laid there quietly, listening to the wind and snow, and their own heartbeats. Candace's beating fast nervously. Cain's heart was beating like a slow train. Cain let out a deep breath. "Candace... I love you." Candace sat there quietly, taken back by Cain's sudden yet expected statement. She looked up and smiled weakly, and kissed him. "I care for you too..." She mumbled. All that could be heard was the snow hitting the window. Cain spoke up. "So... What's your favorite thing to do on Christmas?" Candace looked up. "Well, when I was little... When my real Dad was alive... We would go sledding near this hill near our house, and it was really tall and it would always be covered in snow, so, Dad, me, and my Mom would go out there and race down it. Whoever got downhill first would get to open one present on Christmas Eve." She laughed. "They usually let me win, but... It was still fun." "Did... Y'all still do that after he died?" Cain asked. Candace sighed. "No... It died along with him..." Cain nodded. "Sorry... Maybe... You can do that with your kids." He said. She laid there. "Yea." Suddenly there was a bump down stairs. Candace and Cain looked at each other. "Did... You hear that?" Cain asked. Candace whispered. "Yes." She rolled off of Cain and he sat up. Cre-ak. Creak. Cr-e-a-k. BAM! Cain sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes. And started for the opened door. Candace looked around and stood up. She seen a boot in the corner and grabbed it. Cain squinted at her. "Really?" "It- it's all I could find." She stuttered. Cain grumbled and grabbed a cattle prod from the closet. He rolled his eyes at Candace and started down the hallway and down the stairs. BAM! BAM! CRASH! "Dang it." Cain got to the bottom of the stairs and seen someone hunched over in the kitchen, picking up a bottle. Cain turned to look at Candace but she wasn't there. He wheeled around and seen her, creeping up to the stranger. "Candace-" Cain croaked. The figure turned around and- "AH-HA!" Candace yelled, hitting the person on the head. "Agh!" It was clear now, a man with a raspy voice. Cain ran up and was about to join in when he noticed who the man was. "Bo?! What in God's Name!?" He yelled. He pulled Candace off him and threw her across the room, causing her to land her head into the trash can. "Bo. Why are you in my danged house?!" Cain yelled, picking Bo up off the floor. "Well, ya said I could stay whenever I needed to." "Well, I didnt think you would without asking! You scared the crap outta Candace!" He pulled him all the way up off the floor. Suddenly, Candace came out of nowhere and hit him with the boot again. "DO NOT TOUCH MY BOYFRIEND!" She then hit him again in the crotch. Bo hit the floor and Cain tried to grab her, but in Candace's haste, she turned and nailed him in the crotch. Cain hit the floor, mumbling obscenities under his breath. Candace stopped swinging the boot, noticing her boyfriend laying on the floor making noises like a dying dog. "Oh- oh-oh!" She said, dropping the boot. She kneeled down by him. "Cain, baby, I didn't mean to... Hit you... There..." Cain mumbled through gritted teeth. "Don't... Touch me." He pushed her away and sat up. He turned to Candace who was sitting on the floor. "Candace..." "...Yes?" She asked. "That man laying over there, you may remember, is Bo. He is in my band.." He took a deep breath. "He- he's staying here." Candace looked at Bo, who was starting to stand up. "Man... You swing like my ex-wife." He remained hunched over. "I think I'll go back to bed..." He grabbed a whiskey bottle from the table and went down the hall, slamming a door. Cain stood up and looked at Candace. "Where did you get... A swing like that? The Rangers would kill a Yank' for a swing like that." Candace's face turned red. "I... I don't watch Baseball." "Yea well, if you can hit one ball like you did two, you'd be a home runner." He groaned. He stood up. "I'm going to bed..." "I-I'm coming too." Candace said, following Cain. Chapter Four: Morning Cain woke up the next day, Candace, hugging his body. "Candace... Wake up." He whispered. She moaned and looked up. "Hey..." He ran his fingers through her hair. "Get up. We got a long way to drive." Candace nodded and got out of bed. "I'll get ready..." Cain nodded and sat up. "Same here." Cain was ready within thirty minutes, and he made his way down stairs. Bo was sitting at the table, drinking coffee. "So, did you get any more hits last night?" Bo chuckled. Bo was a tall, skinny guy in his late 40's, he played the fiddle in Cain's band. Cain roles his eyes. "So, what are your Christmas plans?" "Oh, I'm heading to Dallas to see my daughter and the grandkids." Bo replied. "Me and Candace are goin' to see her kin." Cain replied, pouring himself some milk. Bo grinned. "So, you plan on marrying her? Or just keep her around for the fun of it?" Cain scoffed. "I think she's the one keeping me around for the fun of it." He sat down the glass and sat down. "I want to marry her. But... I don't think she's ready for that. I am, but I don't want to... You know..." Bo nodded. "Naw, man. I get it." He drank the last of his coffee. "Y'all plan on heading out today?" "Uh-hu. If we plan to get to Danville in time." Cain replied. "Well, y'all better head out now, look at the snow!" Bo said pointing to the door. Cain opened the door and seen about two feet of snow. "Oh, no." He grumbled. He turned and ran up stairs. "Candace!" Candace was in his bathroom, fixing her hair. "Hey, sweetie." "Candace, go. Go look outside!" Cain replied. Candace turned and walked to the bedroom window. "Oh, come on..." "We better leave now... The road out of Cheyenne will be bad, but when we get to Elk City and onto I-40 it'll be better." Cain replied, grabbing his Underarmor hoodie and putting it on. "Do you have one I can borrow?" Candace asked. Cain nodded. "Take your sweater off, it'll be a fireplace wearing that and this." "What do I put then?" Candace replied. "This is the warmest thing I got." Cain mumbled and went to his closet an pulled out a plain thermo. "This'll work." He threw it to her. He turned and got a cowboy hat out of his closet. "Cain, why you wearing that? You don't usually wear those." Candace replied. Cain showed her the inside. "It has cotton inside, nice and warm." He put it on. "I'm gonna go start the pickup. I'll meet you out there." Candace nodded. "Ok." Cain made his way out into the snow and started the pickup. Suddenly he heard a neigh from inside the barn. It was his horse, Bubba. He opened the door and seen all three of his horses standing in their stalls. "Hey, y'all. How y'all been?" The horses blinked in response. "Y'all have gotten fat. I can't say they haven't been feeding ya." He said petting the gray-brown colored horse. "Bubba, what's all the racket?" Cain turned to the red-coated horse. "Bonnie-" he looked down, and seen a foal laying between her legs. "Oh." He said. He approached the horse. "Well, I'll be danged. I didn't know you were pregnant. He squatted down to get a better look at the foal. It was red like its mother, and had a brown tail. He looked at Bubba. "Well, well. Look like someone's been busy." He grinned. Bubba flicked his tail. Cain chuckled and stood up. "I'll get one of the guys to keep a extra eye on you two." Bonnie blew steam put of her nostrils. "Well, I gotta go. But Merry Christmas!" He looked at the foal, who had stood up. It was a girl. "Hmm... Since its Christmas, and you ain't more than a day old, how about we name you... Belle." "Cain- Cain!" Candace yelled. Cain turned. "In here, Candace!" She walked inside. "Cain we need to go." Cain nodded. "Yea, I know. But Bonnie had a foal, and I just found out. Come look at it." Candace walked over next to Cain. She smiled. "Aww! Look at it!" The foal was stumbling around, trying to walk. "What did you name her?" Candace asked. "Belle." He replied. Candace smiled. "You think... She can be mine?" She asked. Cain looked down at her and smiled. He put his arm around her. "Who else would I give her to?" He paused, "consider it a early Christmas present." She laughed. "Well, ok." She kissed his cheek. "Lets get out of here." Cain nodded. "Go get in, I'll be there." Chapter Five: The Accidental Furniture Burning. "For crying out loud!" Ferb yelled. Kicking the tire of his car. "It's stuck!" "It's probably because all that snow we got yesterday evening." Phineas replied. "Now how are we gonna go to the store?" Ferb grumbled. "Don't worry, Ferb-O. We got... The sled." "Are you sure we should?" "Oh, yes." Phineas smiled. "Lets do this." Ferb said with a grin. They walked into the house and into the family room. "Ok, you grab one side, I'll get the other." Phineas told his brother. They then started carrying out the love seat in front of the sliding glass door. "You got the controller?" Ferb asked. Phineas grinned and held up the Xbox remote. "Re-wired and everything." They jumped in the love seat put seatbelts on. "Please out your seats in their reclined position..." Phineas pushed a button and the screen door opened. "And we are ready for take off." Phineas pushed a button and the rocket propelled furniture took off, and flew up a ramp at the end of the yard. "YEE-HAW!" He yelled. "WOO!" Ferb yelled. They landed on the street and they kept going at amazing speeds. "Hey, Dude, does the massage still work on this thing?" Ferb asked. "Thought you'd never ask." Phineas replied, turning the massage chairs on. "Ohh... Yeaaaaaaaaaaaa...." Ferb groaned. "You gotta turn it on high, Ferb, I can't feel my-" "PHINEAS!" Ferb screamed in a high pitched voice. "What?" Phineas opened his eyes and seen a truck full of mistletoe heading for them. He fumbled for the remote- which fell off the speeding upholstery and slid down the road. Phineas and Ferb turned and watched it get ran over by a minivan. Ferb glared at Phineas. "Well, if I had to die in a piece of furniture going nearly 90 miles a hour towards a truck filled with Christmas decor... I guess there'd be no better person to die with than you." Phineas gulped. Suddenly, the truck turned and Phineas and Ferb were heading straight into a snow plow. "YAY! WE'RE SAVED!" Phineas yelled. "Phineas, we are not. That plow is going to launch us in the AIR!" Ferb screamed. Phineas's eyes grew big. "Oh." They hit the ramp and launched straight up in the air. The boys screamed and grabbed onto each other. Then miraculously, they somehow landed in a furniture store. The engines had burned off and as soon as the boys got off, the whole thing burst into flames. Just as a Christmas parody song of "Ring of Fire" started playing. Love is a Christmas tree But don't think any old tree is safe Some have a long expire Turn your house into a funeral pyre "So... I guess instead of earrings, we need to get Mom a new love seat?" Ferb looked into the flames and sighed. "Yes." Category:Fanon Works Category:Nan the cowdog's pages Category:Christmas Category:Cain Rangle Johnson